Cold Game

December 1, 2023

Why would one waste their energy towards recognising the optimum? The prospect of it is stupid.

Some sciences are not empirical: theoretical physics, high level mathematics. Yet we try to prove our ideas right empirically to bolster the coherence of the mental models we conjure. This is fine. Experimentation of approach is a thought provoking meta experiment that we can appreciate and learn from. But why dare the human condition? As we augment our senses with technology, we attempt to harmonise the dissonant screeches and tinnitic feedback, in a search of what, exactly? And what is it that makes us think optimisation is even viable? In a world where not even light is indifferent to observation? Our minds are not as immutable as our sentiments sedentary.

Optimisation is a macabre ideal. Such a concept should not exist in Epicurus’ world. But I’m a loser in a world where speakers of the provisional right are conferred the stage, and Epicurus is too dead to be right. (What is the provisional right? The provisional right is fucked.) I’m just cold game waiting to be preyed upon by someone with a louder voice, with a larger fist, with time and affluence and people and the provisional right which now is hard to distinguish from a right to provision. To optimise in fear of this death is to defy that the only meaningful transition in being is negation. Negation is our greatest power; and we used to recognise this, as is reflected by the bygone universality of sacrifice. An act of sacrifice summons a deity and the agent of demise is consumed by said deity. You are energized at that beatific moment, and that power is the acme of free will. Death welcomes one into the realms of gods—with decease being the one and only best route to optimisation, why attempt anything else if not for the fear of death?

You have killed the Id. Now what? Beyond sustenance, living a public life comes with responsibilities, personal and professional. You are visible and vulnerable to voyeurs, violated by vile assumptions and vicious expectations. You compete not only for fuck all but also money and now sustenance is not even out of the question? Without even being guaranteed bread, you still want to play a zero sum game where profligate morons play crab in a bucket of proletariats and bourgeoisie. You walk into products of ethical and temporal deprivation, and walk out of the monolith only for the sun has set. By optimising, you walk away from treading the edge of death; and you dull said edge by being dead in living. Emancipate yourself! I crave pleasures that reassure that my heart beats, visceral pulses whom resonate within my very much alive body despite the intimate presence of death hugging it. I am most vital when opposed imminently by negation. And you—you are most valuable in the presence of your absence. We are vulnerable, and vulnerability is the precedent for empathy.

You are empathetic. Yet your heart aches. Sorrow possesses you in your coldest hours. Objects of your ceaseless yearning twist into a dread of spectres and manifest despair to haunt you. But what you truly desire is not material. You seek that which has no form, that which cannot be possessed, and over her you obsess. Her omnipresence is delusion, fading into the darkness of the cold night as you try to resurrect her in dream, enervating yourself in the process and taking you further away from the very thing you chase. In mind you know that you cannot hold her, for you are alive, and she is Death. But in heart… in heart you can never forsake this schizophrenic mirage of her; her scent ineffably romantic, her touch so sensual, her voice so sweet. For acceptance and embrace are independent concepts, you cannot escape from the torment of desire. And so, like the foolish Ouroboroi around you, you turn to optimisation—a damned gateway to her illusive embrace.

feet

The provisional right, as it stands, is a reflection of the endeavours in achieving optimisation. The desire to grab. The desire to walk. The desire to dominate and that to fuck and that to pull triggers. That to eat at the expense of others and that to expend on everything but others. That to earn and that to spend and that to earn again with what has been spent. That to mangle lands and strangle life. That to breathe, teethe, and seethe. That to act. That to be.